tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-151012212024-03-13T19:50:02.587-07:00Victor's LatrineLadies and Gentlemen, I give you the next President of France -- Mr Victor LatrineVictor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-8382301811860119252007-04-01T01:53:00.000-07:002007-04-01T02:01:04.794-07:00It's official! The Latrine 2008 campaign is hitting the roadThat which does not kill us makes us stronger, said old Freddie Nietzsche and apart from debilitating chronic diseases I suppose he was right.So undeterred by my recent failure to win the overwhelming support of the French people I am pressing on.I have decided to offer my presidential services to the American people next, and to this end I am planning a whistle-stop tour from sea to shining sea Victor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-60793372394261085132007-03-16T14:34:00.000-07:002007-03-16T14:42:02.977-07:0012th manSo the signatures are in, the candidates identified.The more alert amongst you will notice that I am not on the list.Despite frantic last minute lobbying and behind-the-scenes action, which regrettably has kept me away from the blogface in recent days, I failed to gather the 500 signatures or the French nationality required to become a candidate.However, I am not downhearted. My campaign has had Victor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-70304345353308528542007-02-06T04:33:00.000-08:002007-02-06T06:58:16.066-08:00The pipes, the pipes, are callingNow of course, plumbers are notoriously difficult to get hold of worldwide. This is understandable, because I'm sure many of their clients call them in for a seemingly innocent bit of washer changing only to spring something nasty involving sewage on them. And let's face it, the prospect of a working life spent dealing with springy sewage doesn't really hold much lure.This said, supply and demandVictor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-729921649085294922007-02-01T07:33:00.000-08:002007-02-01T07:49:02.620-08:00An open letter to José BovéDear José BovéI note press reports (like this one) that you are keen to stand in the forthcoming Presidential Elections in France and that you already have 100 of the 500 mayoral signatures required for nomination. Well done on your achievement so far!I have followed your career with interest ever since your involvement with the Larzac campaign. I accept that we disagree on many things, most Victor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-78346206995910415702007-01-22T15:26:00.000-08:002007-01-29T02:06:26.423-08:00Pharmacists -- they make me (green flashing ) crossFrance has too many pharmacists and too few plumbers.A Latrine Presidency would address these issues as a matter of urgency.My research assistants, sisters Bettina and Edwina Brown-Staynemarx (affectionately known on the campaign trail as Teeny and Weeny) have been looking into these related subjects in some detail.Pharmacists first.There are simply far too many of them. Not only this but they Victor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-43521019154047450462007-01-19T02:48:00.000-08:002007-01-19T06:18:16.116-08:00Aides' memoirsHer Royal Highness, Princess of Darkness, has had to let go of an aide. This is a difficult time and a difficult decision for any candidate and I sympathise fully. Indeed I have had to let go of two aides (Teeny and Weeny) to write this, and I'm regretting the decision already (although they still seem to be holding on to each other in an interesting way).I have also had to dismiss my former Victor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-68667444490348191972007-01-15T04:22:00.000-08:002007-01-19T03:58:56.095-08:00A rush and a push and the land that we stand on is oursLatrinists all!Now is the time for the big push!Little Sarko has emerged from his hutch and for the moment the so-called front-runners in this campaign offer the people of France a choice between two representatives of a litany of political failure, each trying to dress themselves in the clothes of the outsider.Nonsense. Make no mistake about it, Sarko and Royal are the heirs to failure. ElectingVictor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-46185571841523788382007-01-10T09:00:00.000-08:002007-01-10T09:01:55.525-08:00It's OK! My glasses have been foundYou can stop looking now, people of FranceThey were where I had dropped them, apparentlyMore on the rest later.Thank you for your attention!LigEgFratVictorVictor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-66747527574172598072006-12-27T13:30:00.001-08:002006-12-27T13:47:26.109-08:00War and glassesRumours have been circulating in the press and elsewhere that one of the first acts of a Latrine presidency in France would be to declare war on Britain.Not only that but I have lost my glasses.So let me make a couple of things absolutely clear (as we politicians say).First, the war thing. It so happened that at one point I was chatting with a cove of my acquaintance (and fellow member of my Victor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-35471916800735633722006-12-25T08:26:00.000-08:002006-12-25T08:45:19.484-08:00My Christmas AddressThe question most often asked of late has been, "Victor, where are you?". My lengthy disappearance has been the cause of much spilled ink and, it pains me to say, many spilt tears.My period in the 'wilderness' breaks neatly into two phases.First I wanted to get away to take the temperature of France. And I took it's temperature in the way traditionally much loved by the French: rectally.Yes, I Victor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-68953047730258150412006-12-05T08:46:00.001-08:002006-12-05T08:46:30.765-08:00A (the?) Nerde writesWhy haven’t we heard from Victor Latrine? I think I have the answer. On Oct 25th it is reliably reported that Victor was in Moscow gathering support for his presidential bid from President Vladimir Putin. That afternoon Victor returned to London on a British Airways flight and the next day was seen in the company of a certain Mr Litvinenko who later became famous at the only man killed Victor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-27740241369572127852006-11-07T08:59:00.000-08:002006-11-07T09:59:31.529-08:00Q & A with Victor Latrine -- part 1For someone at the centre of a major internet buzz, Victor Latrine seems remarkably unflustered when we meet in his hideaway deep in rural England. The would-be President of France is courteous and friendly as he offers that most British of libations, a cup of tea. In his early 40s, with piercing blue eyes topped by an unruly shock of blonde hair he has a natural easy charisma. Throughout the Victor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-22302589292132191692006-11-03T06:04:00.000-08:002006-11-03T16:00:05.666-08:00Peeing on the flamesIn a recent comment "anonymous" (perhaps not his/her real name) asks what I "intend to do about what some are calling the French intifadah" (apparently this is a legitimate spelling). Meanwhile, a correspondent congratulates me on the success of the campaign so far, but asks me to do something about men peeing in public.Doubtless a deft politician, like Little Sarko, could meld these two themes Victor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-89753940066416736812006-11-02T09:31:00.000-08:002006-11-03T06:29:24.574-08:00Mega MoMomentum is everything in politics, and thanks to your support our momentum is building rapidly.Since the candidacy launched on Sunday, the number of visitors to the site doubled on Monday, doubled again on Tuesday and then tripled on Wednesday.Hits have been registered from New Zealand, Vancouver, San Francisco, Israel, Italy, Spain. In fact pretty much everywhere except France! I think this is Victor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-51648706562920153132006-11-01T08:52:00.000-08:002006-11-02T06:45:16.953-08:00The French Canard -- a mallard imaginaire!Right down at the bottom there, commenting on my very first post, John asks if I shouldn't be writing this in French.Others, privately, have expressed the view that to run for election as President of France whilst not being what one might call, erm, French is just a tad quixotic.Obviously this is a real issue, and I certainly wouldn't want you to think it is one that I'm seeking to avoid.As far Victor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-38382676240345097392006-11-01T08:15:00.000-08:002006-11-01T08:18:40.654-08:00Shaken into actionKeen supporters of the Latrine candidacy will remember that a couple of days ago I posted a link to the Constitutional Council website's FAQ page on which there were lots of Qs but only one answer (see "Bless" below).This link now takes you to a page where there are fewer questions, but they are nearly all answered.Good to see that the Council has been forced into action by the power of our Victor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-34158458948604430172006-10-31T03:40:00.000-08:002006-10-31T03:47:07.867-08:00The Economist backs my campaign (ish)In a remarkable development, international uber-mag The Economist took time off from reminding its readers that Indonesia is at a crossroads and (almost) backed my campaign.'What France needs,' it said, 'is a homme de fer' before (almost) going on to add 'and Victor Latrine is just such a man.'Whilst not actually mentioning me by name, I think that anyone reading the article would see this as a Victor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-1162230598492245392006-10-30T09:04:00.000-08:002006-10-31T01:58:00.525-08:00Taking exceptionWhen France wants to pick and choose which international rules it has to obey it often cites 'the French exception' or its special sub-class 'the French cultural exception'. These exceptions refer to the supposed right of France to protect its economy from the rules of globalisation and its culture from the advance of (largely American) English speaking cultural output.These terms, presumably, Victor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-1162211567320424262006-10-30T04:30:00.000-08:002006-10-31T01:30:28.383-08:00BlessSometimes bumbling incompetence in government agencies can go so far as to become really quite sweet.Consider this list of frequently asked questions from the French Constitutional Council.Lots of questions, only one answer!You couldn't make it up.It'll all change when I'm at the helm.I thank you for your attentionVictorLibEgFrat to you allVictor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-1162211390786849312006-10-30T04:24:00.000-08:002006-10-31T01:52:34.672-08:00Little Sarko blocks my path!In my bid to become President of France, so that I can sort the place out, I thought that I should check out the dates and suchlike for the election.What better place to look than the French Interior Ministry website -- the realm of Little Sarko himself.Imagine my surprise when I found that the 'guide du candidat' for the forthcoming presidential elections is still not ready.There might be Victor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-1162132856639594742006-10-29T06:40:00.000-08:002006-10-31T01:30:28.270-08:00I suspect I might find myself saying this againI'm sure this won't be the last time I say this, but it's important to say it nonetheless.If I make a criticism of France -- and I will do plenty of this as my campaign gathers momentum -- this does not imply that I believe that things are any better in Britain, or in any other country for that matter.So if I say, 'French public services are a mess' this means that I think that French public Victor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-1162064414854129432006-10-28T12:25:00.000-07:002006-10-31T01:30:28.042-08:00My credentialsWho, you might ask, is this Victor fella, to go spouting his mouth off about the state of France?And a bloody good question that would be.Well I'll tell you who, because to do otherwise would be to risk getting drawn into an endless spiral of rhetorical questions and exemplary answers.To the extent that I have had an adult life (arguments for: my age; arguments against: my behaviour) I have spentVictor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15101221.post-1162063120532239882006-10-28T12:08:00.000-07:002006-10-31T01:30:27.977-08:00My manifesto for France!!Everyone else, it would seem, is having a crack at saying what should be done with poor old France, so I thought I'd stick my oar in.Over the next few days and weeks I'll jot down my thoughts on the malaise that is affecting the hoary old hexagon, slowly building up a positive and thoughtful manifesto. If all goes according to plan this will attract huge attention in the blogosphere (or Victor Latrinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18021063391677629382noreply@blogger.com3