Thursday, February 01, 2007

An open letter to José Bové

Dear José Bové
I note press reports (like this one) that you are keen to stand in the forthcoming Presidential Elections in France and that you already have 100 of the 500 mayoral signatures required for nomination. Well done on your achievement so far!
I have followed your career with interest ever since your involvement with the Larzac campaign. I accept that we disagree on many things, most notably economic and social policy. However, I'm also sure that we also have much in common, such as our status as outsiders, our direct popular appeal and our agreement on the importance of large fluffy moustaches (although I prefer to let others do the actual wearing of same).
My reservations about your campaign are that it is rather single-issue (the political equivalent of entry-level) and that it is doomed to failure because you have raised too many hackles, and put too many danders up.
I therefore appeal to you directly, JoBo, to put your weight behind a more centrist, conciliatory, unifying candidate, namely myself. I can assure you that we have many areas of similarities in policy and although I lack the luxuriant 'tache, I have considerable other personal charms.
José, for the sake of France, I appeal to you to put personal ambition to one side and to come over to the Latrine campaign.
LibEgFrat, you old MacDonalds botherer you


‘Whiffy’ Rupard de Bottom said...

Dear Victor,

We, at the British Moustache Society, are very excited about your comments on the importance of moustaches. We had been considering lending our support in the French Presidential Campaign to José Bové but we would be very happy to consider switching to you if you would grow one.

In fact our researcher tells us that you have been experimenting with the wearing of a variety moustache wigs possibly as a means of disguise in order to gain entry to a Royal Palace. Many of our members got the moustache bug with these delightful novelties but all agree that sporting the real the thing is far more satisfying.

Grow one soon and you could become eligible for the Tache of the Year Award which would undoubtedly project you into the public eye.

We would like to extend an invitation to you to visit us at our club in Jermyn St. As this is a Gentleman’s Only establishment I regret that charming Brown-Staynemarx sisters will not be admitted. However I am confident that the chaps here will keep you very well entertained in their absence.

‘Whiffy’ Rupard de Bottom

Rag, Tag and Bobtail said...

Dear Mr. Latrine,

You can stop guessing.

Our origin is well know.

We come from the cabbage patch.


Rag, Tag and Bobtail

ps. There is nothing for suitable for Rabbits to wear on your merchandise website.

pps. A clear statement of where you stand with regard to Rabbit Pie would help us make up our minds about whether to lend our support to your campaign.

Rag and Tag said...

Dear Mr Latrine,

It was entirely wrong of Bobtail to include our names in his letter.

We are not rabbits but a hedgehog and a mouse.

Our orgins lie in the television programme Watch with Mother which ran from 1953 - 1965. Some think that we are now on the shelf and are planning a comeback as a stand-up comedy duo but with Bob-tail with whom we no longer have anything to do with. In fact we rather hope that he ends up in one of those rabbit pies he is always talking about

We would happy provide a warm-up routine before you speak at one of your rallies.

Rag and Tag

Popeye the Sailorman said...

Dear Sir,

You have probably realised that one of the hazard of being in the public eye is the unsought attentions of the mentally unstable and morally suspect members of our society.

The delusions of Rag, Tag and Bobtail, who have been writing to you, are particular severe and worrying. They are suffering from a severe and untreatable form of Paranoia Glovepuppetitis. Victims of this disease often make contact with each other via web-pages such as your own. While they are mostly considered to be harmless eccentrics, some have have been known both to stalk and molest those that they consider have stolen the limelight from themselves.

Rag and Tag have been separetely from Bobtail for a number of years and the authorities are taking all legal measures to ensure that this remains to be the case. However Bobtail is now displaying what the experts term the 'tertiary' phase of the illness where he seems to have enveloped the identities of Rag and Tag (albeit in the form termed cuniculitus).

We do suggest that, for your own safety and for the safety of your colleques and employeees, that you urgently consider using the services of a trained body-guard. As it happens I myself happen to be available for such duties during the coming months and a more well-qualified strong-armed person for this role you would be hard-pressed to find.

'I yam what I yam'

Popeye the Sailorman

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